I faked an abortion last night.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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