i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
