i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
