I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
