Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
