The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
