and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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