Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
