I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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