Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
