why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
