Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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