I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
