I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
