Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
