woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
