too bad you live with your parents still
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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