quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
