just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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