You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
