You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
