no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
