"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
