did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
