there's paper in my vomit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
