Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Walk of Shame. In a state park.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(916): View more from California

Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.

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(661): View more from California

Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.

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