PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
