if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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