i need an iv and a liver transplant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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