Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
