if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
