so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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