Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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