Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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