She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
