I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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