Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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