It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
