He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
