Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
