I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sorry about my life...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
