the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
