I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
