Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
