wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
