I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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