tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
