Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
