Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
