the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
